最近ニュースになってる… About bullying

read in English

最近TVでよく言ってる「いじめ」について…
あたりまえだけど、最っ低。

経験してるから知ってるけど…
自分なんて消えればいいって、本気でそう思う。
人間ってクズだって心から思うよ。
集団無視とか。仲間外れとか、落書きとか、あからさまな陰口とか、毎日毎日続いたりしても
先生や親が居る前では皆の態度が変わる。そんな程度のいじめでさえ何年も続くとものすごくつらい。
それをみんなわかってやってる。

「自分はそんな目に遭いたくない」
そう思って、恐怖心からやってた子が大半なんじゃないかな。

「グループ行動」、とか、「人と違うことを恥と思え」
って日本の教育は全く意味不明だった。(今はどうだか知らんが…???)
協調性とは違くない？って子供心に思ったりもした。
教員同士のいじめもみた。
そんな先生たちにどうやったら信頼感情をもてる？
救いを求められる？

親が人の陰口叩いてるのを聞いて、子供が真似すると思わない大人。
悪気があってもなくても親を真似る子供。

どっちもどっちだ、と冷めた目で見てた。自分(主体性)がなさ過ぎる。

そんな子供がどうやって生きる希望を持てる？
低学年だったころは、泣きながら帰ると親が友達の家に一緒に行ってくれて仲直りさせてくれたりしてたけど、高学年になるにつれて、見えない嫌がらせが増えて…親には言わなくなっていった。確定的な何かがなきゃ、本人以外はわからない。「気のせいでしょ」と言われたらそれまでだし。子供から毎日そんな話を聞かされる親だって、辛いと思ったから。
何かしてあげたいのに、変えてあげられない現状…

そういう嫌な瞬間に無関心になる術を心得ていった。

そんな頃、何か１つだけでも、自分を分かってくれるって思える何かがあればよかった。
子供の世界は狭いから、どんなに広い世界が外にあるってわかんなくても
「世界中でこんな思いしてるのは自分だけじゃない」って、そう思わせてくれる何かが１つだけでもあれば救いだった。
共感できるもの。
私の場合は英語と音楽。
The Beatles（その後はNirvana）にどっぷりの学生時代だったから、流行りの音楽なんてさっぱりわからず…これでまた「共通の話題」とやらがないから余計に孤立。(^_^;)

でも今は、それで良かった気がする。
その英語と音楽のおかげで、今こうしてたくさんの人と出会い、キャッチボールをする事ができてるし。

何か１つ、あればいい。
見つけられればいい。

今でも私なんてまだまだアンバランスなわけですが、
今もそこらじゅうにいじめなんてあるんだと思うんだけど、
水たまりの中で仲間外れにされるんなら、外洋に出ればいい。
努力で水たまりを出る術を身につければいい。
生きてる限り、成長し、変わり続けることはできる。
可能性が完全にゼロになることはない。

誰かに話して、少しだけ勇気が持てるんなら、話せばいい。
私でよければいつでも聞くよ？

生きるって勝ち負けだけの世界じゃない。
その中間があるから勝負できるんだ。

私たちが生きてるのは黒と白だけの世界じゃない。
音があって、色があって、匂いがあって、温度のある「せかい」に絶え間なく流れる時間。
そんな場所。それが今。

そこで出会った。

みんなと共有できる、「今」がある事に心から感謝します。

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Do you laugh if I say, I used to hate Japanese? lol (I do! lololol)
Yes, I was born in Japan and held in Japan. My parents are Japanese and I am Japanese. But when I switched my school from International School to local Japanese elementary school, I was shocked by the complicated Japanese human relationship system inside the school.

There was something like unspoken agreement in the school where I start attending at my age of 7. You always have to care about the group that you belong, and you must belong to what ever group to survive in that class community. It’s normal to raise your hand when you have question, right? But in that class, before you raise your hands, you must look around the class and see if there’s any other students who’s raising – or seemingly going to raise his/her hand – and then, you can finally raise your hand to ask question or for whatever reason. Although, since I didn’t know about this silent rule, I was picked as the weird new student who just changed school and new classmates thought I was trying to be the favor of the teacher. Plus, I could not read and write Japanese very well back then (I was taught everything in English until that day) so, they teased me and mad a laugh at me saying, “Are you really Japanese?”. It’s not a big deal when I think about such tease now, but for 7 years old girl, it was the beginning of the horrible school life.

There was something even more shocking! One day, teacher came up to me and said,
“Don’t you feel ashamed always doing something different from the others?”
I was blanked when teacher said these words to me. Because when I was in International school, we were taught to think different, and speak out your idea!! However, what this Japanese teacher told me was the complete opposite from what I’ve been taught. Since I was a child, I asked “Why? Why should I feel ashamed for being different”. and this teacher got even mad so I stop asking.

I don’t think all Japanese schools are like this, but the class that I attended was something very unbelievable, unreasonable and un-understandable to me.

Thinking back about then, I guess many children become part of bully just because they don’t want to be targeted. The fear is moving them to act, and maybe (sad but) this is not the only the case of kids.

I saw teachers bullying other teacher, and I heard adults speaking ill of somebody behind his/her back. And if there’s no scars or bruise to show, it’s hard to tell what you’ve been through because it’s only you who knows how it feels when the target is on yourserlf.

Through such experiences, I learned how to be ignorant to such stupidity.
I used to talk what happend at school to my parents but since such situation lasted way too long, I stop talking about it. Because it was easy to imagine (even for a young kid) how parents will think when child talks no cheerful subject at all.

I guess was very lucky that I had something that can let myself out.
In my case, it was English and Music.
The world of the child is smaller thant grownups world and there are less chance to know there awaits a huge world beyond the present. If the kids with devasted hart knew something that makes them feel “It’s not only me, who’s having this hard time now” Then, that could be the tail to grab and to find a peaceful space to let all the anxiety go off.

I can’t tell how much the music of the Beatles had saved me.
Nirvana had told me I was never alone. (well… there’s A LOT that I learned form this band. Maybe I’m gonna write about it sometimes later…)

Love, Peace, Sympathy… is still living in my mind.

And today, I was blessed with this chance to meet and know many of my friends and fans through the music and English. 🙂

Just, One Thing.
If there’s one thing that you can let yourself be yourself.

I’m still quite unbalanced, still learning a lot everyday. But from my experience, I can say if you were excluded in a little puddle, go find the way out to the open sea. It’s your choice! To find the way out to get along only with your puddle friend and live your life until it ends. Or make extreme efforts to find the way out to the outer world. Nobody, and nothing can stop us from learning and keep changing as long as we live. There’s no chance to have complete ZERO possibility to renovate youserlf.

If talking can ease you, and give you some strength to go over the hardship, go ahead and talk to whomever you feel like you can talk. If you think there’s no one would hear you, at least I’ll be here for you!

Living our life is not win/lose game.
We can fight or compete each other because there are many times we spend for its preparation, think about the reason why you’re making efforts, cure and care your health and your love and family to survive this era together.

We’re not living in the black/white world.
There are sounds, colors, smells, temperatures and time flows in between.
Place such is NOW.

And I met.

My friends and fans through music and English.

I really am appreciating this NOW that we’re sharing this NOW all together.
Thank you very very much! And my love to you all!!!!!!